Dr. Seuss for Single Women of a Certain Age

No, Thanks!
I do not want to be a nurse,
I do not want to be a purse,
I do not want to squeeze your zits,
Just want a friend with benefits.

I do not want to trim your nails,
Do not want you to trim my sails,
I did not say you were a louse,
I just don’t want you in my house!


“Can I wash your car for you?”
“I‘d rather that you just washed you.”

“Would you like it in the tub?”
“I’d rather have a nice foot rub.

“I wonder what you‘re like in bed?”
“I have a feeling you‘re half-dead”

“What do you want? I’m just a man!”
“And there’s the problem, Stan, or Dan.”

I do not want a Stan or Dan or
Any other kind of man
To sofa-surf and watch tv,
That’s just not fun, so leave me be!

I don’t want someone else’s gas,
Underneath my nose to pass,
When I’m all settled for the night,
Your “oven” needs a pilot light.

No golfer, dentist, private eye
For this position need apply,
No NASCAR Dad or CPA--
You guys can all just go away.

No aging rock stars,
Businessmen,
Or guys who go to bed at ten,

No racist,
Sexist,
Homophobe

(I’d rather have an anal probe.)

A mountain climbing baby-boomer?
I’d rather a malignant tumor,

A tattoo-parlor devotee?
I’d wish he would just go away,

A healthy, hale US Marine?
(Can think of nothing more obscene.)

A redneck from the deepest south?
(Threw up a little in my mouth.)

A hunter who can trap a bear?
Forget it, and get OFF my HAIR!


Stay tuned for the happy ending . . .